Murder by Death
by BatmanSwim2016
Summary: What do you get when you mix an eccentric millionaire, a blind butler, a mute cook, and the five world's greatest (and youngest) detectives? You get a dinner party gone sour, two dead bodies, and a million-dollar reward to the one who solves the case. Based on Neil Simon's Murder by Death.
1. Chapter One

**Yeah, I know. Some of you may think it's a bit early to start my second official story. Your comments are valued...but I'm ignoring your advice. We'll see how it turns out. So, here it is: Murder by Death, One Piece style.**

**WARNING: This chapter contains enigmatic hosts, a ridiculous cast of characters, and my attempts at humor. It is entirely based off of the awesomeness that is Neil Simon's Murder by Death (1976). This is a parody.**

**P.S. I don't own One Piece. This is the only time I will say that. I also (unfortunately) do not own Murder by Death, but this idea for a parody is mine.**

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><p>Chapter One<p>

On a dark night, a man sat alone in his study. He was finishing signing the invitations to a dinner party he had planned, a dinner that would be the turning point in his infamous career. The invitation read:

_You are cordially invited to dinner and a murder at 24 Oro Jackson Lane at seven p.m. Friday, October 20th, 1976._

_Sincerely,_

_Gol D. Roger_

With a wicked smile, he put the final invitation in its envelope. In total, there were five invitations. Each one had been marked with an address.

One was going to Monkey D. Luffy and Portgas D. Ace, two brothers living in New World City. The younger brother, Luffy was a well-known private detective, while the older, Ace, stuck around to help get Luffy out of trouble. Apparently he wasn't very good at his job, if the newspaper reports had their stories straight.

Another was going to Inspector Usopp and his assistant, Tony Tony Chopper. They lived in Paradise Town, which wasn't far from Oro Jackson manor. Usopp was supposedly a fantastic detective, having outwitted the perpetrators of crimes time and time again. Roger smirked to himself. The dinner party would prove if the Great Usopp could live up to his reputation.

Next was Sanji. Sanji was a renowned private eye who was famous for only solving cases for female clients. He almost never helped a man, unless a woman was with him. He will be bringing his money-grabbing secretary, Miss Nami, along with him. They lived in Baratie, a town on the coast, renowned for its delicious cuisine.

Another guest would be Miss Nico Robin. A mysterious woman, known for her fascination with death. She rarely did any other type of case. Joining her is her chauffeur, Cutty Flam, better known as Franky. They lived in Water 7, a city that literally sat in the middle of a lake.

Finally, there was Detective Roronoa Zoro, a traveling private eye. He never visited the same town twice, because (as Roger suspected) he got lost easily. Along with him is the lovely Tashigi, a childhood friend of Zoro. As they are traveling detectives, they did not have a hometown, but Roger was confident the invitation would reach them.

Once he finished, he rang the bell to summon his butler, Silvers Rayleigh. Within seconds, he could hear the steady footsteps of his servant and friend. A knock on the door told Roger he was outside, waiting patiently to enter.

"Come in," Roger called out to the butler. Rayleigh pushed open the door and entered the study, tapping a cane in order to find his way. He walked forward until he stood in front of the desk, hands joined behind his back.

"You called, sir?" He asked calmly.

"Ah,yes. Rayleigh, please see that these invitations are stamped and put out in the mail," Roger ordered.

"Do you really think they'll come, sir?" Rayleigh asked, groping the air in front of him in order to find the envelopes. Once found, they were stored inside his jacket pocket.

Roger grinned. "Of course they will, my good man. This is the perfect chance to prove themselves as proper detectives. If they refuse, they look like cowards."

"I see." Rayleigh answered. "Will that be all, sir?"

"Yes, my good man. Now, off you go." With that, Rayleigh turned sharply and walked out of the study. He left quietly, shutting the door behind him.

Roger leaned back in his chair, a wicked smile on his lips. He raised a hand to stroke the mustache on his face. Now that the invitations were in Rayleigh's more than capable hands, all he had to do was wait. Wait and see how many of his correspondents accepted the challenge set before them.

~...~

Portgas D. Ace ran a hand through his unruly, black hair and sighed for the umpteenth time that evening. As soon as his younger brother had received the invitation, he had made up his mind and decided to attend the dinner party. Normally, Ace just went along with his brother's whims, but something about this whole setup seemed ominous to the thirty-year-old man. It was probably the fact that the brothers had been invited to dinner _and_ a murder. What the hell did that even mean?

Ace glanced over at his younger brother. The twenty-seven-year-old man was trying to call the manor to see if they were driving in the right direction. Apparently, someone had answered in the manor, as he was shouting into it, saying, "HEY! I'M MONKEY D. LUFFY, AND I'M GONNA BE THE WORLD'S BEST DETECTIVE!"

After another few minutes of pointless yelling, the roadside den-den mushi went dead. Luffy hung up the phone, a perplexed frown on his face.

"What happened? Did you get through?" Ace asked, watching as his younger brother walked back to the passenger side of the car.

Luffy frowned. "The line went dead," he answered.

Ace out the car into gear and pulled back onto the road. "Hopefully we're going the right way, then." Luffy hummed in agreement. "I'm not too sure about this one, Lu. What does it mean, 'dinner and a murder'? Do you have any idea what we're getting ourselves in to?"

"Nope!" Came the cheerful response, followed by a laugh. Ace resisted the urge to smack his brother upside the head. Instead, he just sighed again.

This was going to be a _long_ weekend.

~...~

"...and that is how I, the Great Inspector Usopp, solved the case of the blue shadow virus!" Usopp declared, ending another telling of one of his many solved crimes.

"Wow, Usopp!" Tony Tony Chopper exclaimed with stars in his eyes. "You're so amazing!"

"Now, now. Let's not get too excited about it," Usopp stated, obviously enjoying the attention.

"Tell me another one, please!"

"Well, if you insist." The inspector then launched into another one of his tales, Chopper literally hanging on to every word.

At twenty-seven, Usopp was very young to be in the crime business. It was only due to his brains that he was able to make a name for himself, even if he relied heavily on the help of others. However, he always edited that part out of his stories, making him seem far greater than he actually was.

His assistant, Chopper, was only twenty-six, but he looked like he was only sixteen. He had light brown hair, a boyish face, and big, brown eyes. On his head was a blue and pink hat. He believed every word that came out of Usopp's mouth; each and every far-fetched tale was viewed as truth.

They were currently on their way to Raftel Manor. Usopp had been reluctant to accept the invitation, but the adoring look in Chopper's eyes was all it took for him to pack his bags and get in the car. He secretly hoped the part in the invitation stating a murder would be false, though. All he wanted was a nice, relaxing weekend at a country house. Was that too much to ask?

~...~

"Nami-swaaaan," Sanji crooned as he drove through the narrow country roads, "you look absolutely beautiful tonight."

"Yes, Sanji-kun," she replied absentmindedly while looking at the map on her lap. "I heard you the first time. Turn left here."

Sanji obliged, his only visible eye turning into a heart. "Nami-swan is so beautiful, even when she orders me around!" He declared.

Nami mentally rolled her eyes. Every time she was even remotely close to her boss,meh would spend the entire time fawning over her. It was sweet the first time, but it got old quickly. Not that she would complain: the man was all too willing to give her a raise whenever she asked. He also made her delicious food. Nami swears he missed his calling as a chef to become a private eye.

"Nami-swan, could you please read me what you found out about Mr. Roger?" Sanji asked politely.

"Of course, Sanji-kun." Nami pulled out a Manila folder and opened it over the map. "Let's see... He was born on December 31, 1909 to Gol D. George and his wife, Sakura. He inherited his family's fortune when they died in 1930. In 1943, he was arrested for supposedly starting a brawl in a bar. The police couldn't find evidence against him, so they dropped the case. There's nothing until 1950, when he was taken into custody again for selling nude photos of celebrities. Again, there wasn't enough evidence, so he was released."

Sanji'so nose had started to bleed. He quickly wiped it away with a handkerchief and said, "Wow, the police around here must suck. Was he ever married?"

Nami flipped through the folder's contents. "Yeah, he was married to a woman named Rouge from 1945 until 1946, when Rouge died of childbirth. No information as to what became of the child."

Sanji took a drag off his cigarette and hummed in thought. "You did your homework well, Nami-swan! As always, marvelous work!" He turned to grin at her. "By the way, where did you find all of that?"

Nami put away the folder. "I wrote to Roger and asked him."

"Nami-swan is so beautiful and clever!"

~...~

"Eh, Robin," the raven-haired beauty turned to look at the man who spoke, "are you sure this is the right place?"

Nico Robin, a thrity-eight-year-old detective specializing in murder cases, smiled. "Well, the address matched the invitation, so I'm assuming it's the right place."

Her chauffeur, a blue-haired man named Franky, frowned up at the mansion. "Yeah, I guess so. But it's still a bit...creepy to host a dinner party here, don't you think?"

The mansion in question was a sprawling, two-story building made of limestone. It was surrounded by large trees, making it almost impossible to find. The road leading up to it was narrow and winding, not to mention the fog made it difficult to see. The house was adorned with several stone gargoyles and angels, giving it a Victorian-era feel. However, according to Robin, the it was only built forty-six years ago.

Robin laughed. "Actually, I find it quite charming."

Franky sweatdropped. He should have known the woman would like this place, even if it was in a state of disrepair. He took their bags out of the trunk and began to walk up the stairs.

"Wait," Robin said suddenly. He stopped and looked at her questioningly. "When I say jump, jump. One," Franky tensed the muscles in his legs, "two," Robin followed suit, "jump!" Franky jumped to one side as Robin jumped to the other. Not a second too soon, either, for a gargoyle soon crashed to the exact place Franky had stood.

Bewildered, he looked up at the roof, where he could've sworn he saw someone ducking back onto a balcony. He turned back to Robin, who was staring at the house with a contemplative look. "Shoot, Robin, nice counting! How did you know?"

She crouched and pointed at the ground, where the chalk outline of two feet sat on the cobblestones. "You were standing on those. They're even the same size as your feet." Sure enough, Franky's feet fit perfectly into the outlines. "Someone is trying to make welcome guests feel very unwelcome." She stood back up. "But, never mind that. Would you ring the doorbell, please?"

Franky's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. "Are you serious? Someone just tried to kill us!"

Robin gave him a glowing smile. "Yes. This should be an exciting weekend."

Franky sighed and hit the button for the doorbell. Suddenly, a loud scream sounded in the house. He nearly jumped out of his skin. "It sounds like someone is being murdered!"

"Not so," Robin moved forward. "Listen again," she said as she pressed the button. The scream echoed through the house again. She gave Franky another smile. "It's just the doorbell, Franky. It seems Mr. Roger has a dark sense of humor." She laughed and Franky sweatdropped again.

The door was opened by an old man, probably around eighty years old. He wore a sharp, neatly pressed suit, which fit perfectly over his slightly protruding belly. His long, silver hair was tied back in a ponytail, and his strange goatee looked like it had been groomed recently. He wore wire-rimmed glasses on his wrinkled face, even though his eyes were a milky white.

The man offered them a charming smile. "Good evening, you are expected," he said politely.

"Thank you," Robin replied. Franky frowned.

"Hey, buddy, I think you need to check out the balcony. One of your gargoyles tried to kill us," Franky said gruffly, crossing his arms.

The man, whom he assumed was the butler, offered an apologetic smile. "I'm so very sorry, sir. This house is rather old and is in need of repair. May I take your bags?" He stretched out his arms.

"Naw, thanks, bro. I got it," Franky said, lifting the bags.

"Of course, not a problem," the butler said, moving to the side. "Please, come in." Franky and Robin obliged, stepping over the threshold into the house. "I trust the drive was pleasant?"

"Oh, yeah," Franky rolled his eyes, even though the butler couldn't see it. "It was great. We really enjoyed the bridge that almost collapsed." Robin elbowed him in the gut. "I could fix it for you," he offered suddenly.

"Oh, no thank you, sir," the butler replied, closing the door the wrong way, leaving it wide open. "I will notify the groundskeeper when he returns Monday. This way, please." He turned and led them to a wide set of stairs, tapping a white cane on the floor to find his way. Once at the stairs, he slowly began to climb them. Robin and Franky followed him, with Franky looking at the artwork on the walls.

He blinked. He could've sworn he saw one of the painting's eyes move. However, upon closer inspection, they were made of canvas, like the rest of the painting. Shaking his head, he caught up to Robin and the butler.

"So, Mister..." The woman trailed off, waiting for him to say his name.

"Rayleigh," he answered with a kind smile. "Silvers Rayleigh."

"Rayleigh. You mentioned the groundskeeper will not be returning until Monday. Does that mean you are the only staff member here this weekend?"

"Correct, Madame." Rayleigh reached the landing at the top of the stairs and turned down a hallway. "However, Mr. Gol did hire a new cook, who will be arriving tonight. Ah, here we are." He came to a wooden door. "I took the liberty of making a fire in the fireplace, as it is rather chilly."

"Thank you," Robin said kindly. Rayleigh smiled and opened the door, revealing a beautiful room. There was a fireplace, two wing-backed chairs, and a four-poster bed. Everything in the room was colored scarlet, even the walls and drapes. The only problem was the fire was on the bed and not in the actual fireplace.

Franky gave a startled shout and dashed into the room. He ripped off the curtains on the bed and smothered the fire quickly, coughing in the smoke.

"I apologize for the smoke," Rayleigh continued as if nothing had happened. "The fireplace has not been used in years."

Franky was about to snap out a reply, but Robin cut him off with another elbow to the gut. "Thank you, Rayleigh-san. At least the bed will be warm."

Rayleigh smiled again. "Of course, ma'am. Dinner will be at nine, please dress nicely. Mr. Gol will join you after the meal."

"After?" Franky frowned. "He's not going to eat with us?"

"I'm afraid not, sir. He prefers to eat out." Rayleigh began to close the door. "If you need anything, please pull on the cord beside the bell." A scream rang through the house. "Ah, the doorbell. I must now take my leave."

"Thank you," Robin said as he moved out of the room. She looked back at Franky and gave him another glowing smile. "What an interesting fellow," she stated cheerfully. Franky sighed and began unpacking their bags.

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><p><strong>Well, what do you think so far? I made Rayleigh blind, because it's always entertaining to have a blind butler. The story gets better, I promise! The next chapter features the rest of the detectives coming to the mansion. If you haven't seen this movie before, I strongly recommend it! This movie and story are purely crack, just a warning!<strong>

**Also, I feel I should mention this story will not be very long. At most, maybe ten chapters. I will update sporadically, just like with my other stories. However, I suspect I will update this one more frequently, since I already know what I want to happen, all the way to the end of the story.**

**Finally, I think I should clarify something. In this fic, Ace is 30, Luffy and Usopp are 27, Chopper is 26, Robin is 38, Franky is 44, Zoro and Sanji are 29, Roger is 67, Rayleigh is 75, Nami is 28, and Tashigi is 31.**

**Favorite! Follow! Review! (Please!)**

**~BatmanSwim2016**

***Edited as of 1/19/2015***


	2. Chapter Two

**Special thanks to Amorphous Sapphire for being my first reviewer, and also Castrada and Amorphous being the firsts to favorite and follow!**

**Amorphous Sapphire: Please do, you'll like it! I'm not going to answer that...you'll have to see for yourself. ;) I hope so! Thanks for reviewing and being the first to favorite and follow!**

**WARNING: This chapter contains my attempts at humor and Sanji and Zoro's foul mouths.**

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><p>Chapter Two<p>

Ace massaged his temples as he sat down on the bench beside the front door. The door had been left wide open for some reason. When his younger brother had seen this, Luffy had eagerly bounded up the steps to the front door. Ace had barely pulled him back in time before he was crushed by a falling gargoyle.

"Woah, thanks Ace!" Luffy laughed. "I could have died!"

"That's not something you should laugh about!" Ace yelled, his teeth having turned shark-like. Luffy laughed again and placed a hand on his head, where his favorite straw hat rested. Ace sighed and went back to massaging his temples.

Both men turned to the sound of approaching footsteps. To their amazement, they saw a blind butler making his way down the staircase. Once at the bottom, he used his cane to find his way to the door.

"Good evening, you are expected," the butler said, opening the door. (Ace had shut it upon entering the house.)

Luffy bounced to his feet. "Hey, I'm Monkey D. Luffy, and I'm gonna be the world's best detective!"

The butler turned at the sudden noise. "Sorry, we let ourselves in. The door was open," Ace explained. "I'm Ace."

"Ah, I see," said the blind man. "If you wouldn't mind, follow me, please." He turned toward the stairs.

"We, uh, left our bags in the trunk," Ace said sheepishly.

"Not a problem, sir. I will retrieve them when I park the car." The butler walked away, leaving one brother giddy with excitement and the other dumbfounded. _How is he going to park a car when he can't even see?!_

The butler guided them up the stairs down a hallway. "Hey, blind guy, whose car was that outside?" Luffy asked, forgetting his sense of etiquette, as usual.

"It belongs to Miss Nico Robin. I took the liberty of placing you in the room across the hall from hers."

Ace frowned at the name. Seems like they weren't the only big-shot detectives here, after all.

The butler showed them into a room. Luffy immediately made a beeline for the adjoining bathroom, having not relieved himself since earlier that afternoon. The blind man turned to leave after telling them that dinner was at nine, and to please, dress nicely.

"Wait," Ace said as he was closing the door. "What should we call you?"

The butler smiled, a somewhat eerie sight with his milky eyes. "Rayleigh, sir. Silvers Rayleigh."

Ace smiled back even though the man could not see. "Thank you, Rayleigh."

"Yeah, thanks, old guy!" Luffy called from the bathroom. Ace mentally facepalmed.

Rayleigh chuckled and shut the door quietly. He tapped his way down the hall until he reached the staircase. He carefully climbed down the stairs, not tripping. The last time he had stumbled in this house, it was over thirty years ago when Mr. Gol had hired him.

He walked slowly, tapping his cane along the floor. Finally, he reached another short set of stairs that led downward to the kitchen. Once he made it inside the kitchen, he began setting out pots and pans for the cook to prepare dinner with once she arrived.

_Speak of the devil_, Rayleigh thought as he heard a couple of knocks on the door leading outside. As he walked to open it, a shrill scream came from the front door. "All in good time, he muttered irritably.

Rayleigh opened the servant's entrance to the kitchen, where he had heard the knocking. "Hello? Who's there?" He asked. He did not see or hear the person move through the now-open doorway. "Filthy neighborhood," he muttered to himself.

As he turned back to the kitchen, he felt his body hit something soft. He put his hands up and groped the air until he touched the object. His hands identified hair, a nose, lips, a neck, something soft and squishy... With a small blush, Rayleigh jerked his hands away and offered an apologetic smile. "Ah, you must be the cook. Are you ready to work?" He asked.

The cook, a woman of average height, reached into the bag she brought inside and pulled out a note. She showed it to the blind butler.

_My name is Shakky. I cannot hear or speak,_ read the note.

"What's that? Speak up please," Rayleigh said kindly. "A little shy, are we? No matter." He led her to the island in the middle of the kitchen where various foods and pans sat. He fumbled until he found a list. Showing it to her, he stated, "We will have ten guests. Here is the menu for tonight's dinner. It will be served at nine."

Shakky frowned and pulled out another note. This one read:

_Also, I cannot read English. This letter was written for me. Signed, ACME Writing Company._

With another frown, Shakky looked at the note in her hand and threw it over her shoulder. Meanwhile, Rayleigh was still holding the menu for her to read.

"Hm? Have you got that?" He asked, a cherry smile on his face. "Good. If I need you, I will ring that bell." He pointed to a set of bells on the wall. "I'll leave you to it, then." Rayleigh tapped his way out of the kitchen, going to the front door.

~...~

"USOPP!" Chopper screamed, checking his friend for vital signs. "USOPP, CAN YOU HEAR ME?! SOMEBODY CALL A DOCTOR!"

"Chopper," the curly-haired man whispered through a bloody mouth. "Chopper, I think we might have the wrong address."

"It's okay Usopp, I forgive you for driving us to the wrong house!" Chopper bawled.

Suddenly, Usopp stood up and smacked Chopper upside the head. "YOU WERE THE ONE DRIVING, MORON!"

"Usopp, you're okay!"

"Of course I'm not okay! A gargoyle just landed on me!"

"Oh right!" Chopper opened the door to the mansion and dragged the older man through it. He pushed him down so he sat at the foot of the staircase. Chopper then walked over to a table with a den-den mushi on and picked up the receiver. "Hello? Operator, are you there?" He asked into the speaker as he tapped the snail several times.

"I'm afraid that line has been out for a week, sir," a voice said from behind the young assistant.

"Oh, really?" Chopper picked up the line leading from the snail to the wall. "But it looks like it was cut recently..."

Usopp got back to his feet in an instant. "Chopper is right. I would wager this line was snipped not one hour ago." He took the line and waved it in front of the butler's face. The man frowned, then shrugged. "I am Inspector Usopp from Paradise Town. This is Tony Tony Chopper, my assistant. I have been horribly traumatized by a falling gargoyle tonight, and am in dire need for a cup of hot chocolate. Bring some for the boy, too, if you wouldn't mind."

The butler bowed at the waist. "A pleasure, sir, I am Silvers Rayleigh. Allow me to ring for the cook." Rayleigh walked to the wall, where a long cord hung. He pulled the cord several times, but with no response from the kitchen. With an irate sigh, he said, "No matter, I shall fetch it myself. May I take your bags?"

"No, it's okay. I got it," Chopper said kindly. He didn't want the man to trip while trying to carry their luggage.

"Very well. This way, please." Rayleigh began walking up the stairs.

Before he could follow, Chopper was pulled aside by Usopp. "I don't like this guy," the long nosed man said. "Have you noticed the way he doesn't look at you when he speaks?"

"Usopp, he's blind!" Chopper whispered back.

Usopp glanced at the butler. "A likely story," he muttered, unconvinced. Chopper sighed and followed the old man to their room.

Rayleigh took them to a yellow-themed room. The bed, the drapes, the chairs, everything was a light, buttery color. "If that is all-" he started to say.

"Wait," Usopp ordered. He began to pull on his cheeks and eyes, making the worst faces humanly possible. Rayleigh didn't react, but waited patiently for his commands. Usopp stared at him thoughtfully. "Never mind, Rayleigh, you may go." As soon as the butler closed the door, Usopp turned to Chopper. "Chopper, he must be blind! Those were my best faces!"

~...~

Another scream shrieked through the house, telling Rayleigh that another guest had arrived. He found the front door with no difficulty. He opened it and was about to begin his prepared speech of "Good evening, you are expected," when a woman's voice cut him off.

"He's dead!" The woman screamed.

"What?" Rayleigh gasped.

"Sanji, the man I work for, is lying out there on the pavement! A gargoyle fell on him!" The woman sounded hysterical. "I think I'm gonna faint. Oh, catch me!" Rayleigh stretched out his arms just before a dull thump sounded.

"Ma'am?" He asked fearfully.

"Alright, nobody move!" The man on the pavement shouted, jumping to his feet. He looked around wildly, eye settling on Rayleigh. "Hands up, winky!" He yelled, pulling out a gun. "Hands on the wall," he ordered, pushing the barrel into his kidney.

Rayleigh complied, feeling very afraid. What had he done to make this unseen man so angry? The man patted him down, checking for weapons.

"Nami, dear, you can get up now," he said in a gushy voice to the woman lying on the floor. "Turn around Geeves," was said to the butler, who obediently turned. "When I received the invitation to dinner, I didn't realize I would be the main course."

Rayleigh heard the woman's voice next. "Sanji-kun, you can let him go now," she muttered.

"Sorry." His tone of voice didn't sound sorry at all. Rayleigh heard the sound of a match being struck and smelled the smoke of a cigarette. "I'm just a bit jumpy. I had a kid brother that went out the same way working on a case back in sixty-three. He would have been seventy next Tuesday."

Nami gently pulled the traumatized butler away from the wall. "I'm horribly sorry," she said sheepishly.

"He has a dreadful temper," Rayleigh muttered. Nami could only sigh in response.

~...~

"Time for dinner!" Rayleigh said cheerfully to Shakky, having returned to the kitchen after depositing Sanji and Nami into a room upstairs. "I hope you're ready!"

Shakky looked over her shoulder at the old man and frowned. She sat smoking a cigarette in a chair beside the island.

Rayleigh sniffed the air. "Smoky flavor? Very nice!" He moved about the kitchen. "Now, when you hear the bell, bring out the chilled asparagus and turn up the heat on the squab. Then, bring out the squab when I ring again." He turned back in the general direction of the stove. "Have you got that? Good, I'll leave you then." He left the kitchen to finish setting the table. Shakky shrugged to herself and resumed smoking.

~...~

"Lu, it's almost time for dinner! Are you ready?" Ace called to his brother through the bathroom door. He was in the process of tying the bow tie around his neck, using the room's vanity mirror. He wanted to make sure Luffy tied his right, because knowing his brother, it wasn't tied at all.

"FOOD!" Luffy screamed, bathroom door slamming open. Ace took one look at his brother and groaned in exasperation. Never mind the bow tie, the whole outfit was wrong. His shirt was only tucked in on one side, the vest was unbuttoned, and the pants weren't even on all the way. Just before he charged out into the hall, Ace grabbed him by the back of the collar.

"Luffy, honestly, I can't take you anywhere nice," he grumbled as he began fixing his brother's appearance. He grabbed both sides of the pants and jerked upward. He tucked in the shirt, buttoned the vest and tied the tie. Meanwhile, Luffy stood there with a childish pout on his twenty-seven-year-old face.

"Aaaaccce," his younger brother whined. Finally, Ace finished the ensemble with the jacket the was draped over the back of one of the chairs. "C'mon, I'm hungry."

"What else is new?" Ace asked rhetorically, grabbing his own jacket on the way out the door.

Out in the hallway, also making their way down to dinner, was Nico Robin and a blue-haired gentleman. She wore an elegant, sleeveless black dress the had a slit going up to her knees. The dress was plain except for some beadwork around the collar. Her companion wore a black suit, much like Ace and Luffy's, except for the fact he was not wearing any pants, only a black speedo. Not only that, but he had a red tie around his neck rather than the black bow tie.

"Hey, you're Robin!" Luffy said. "I'm Monkey D. Luffy!"

Robin smiled. "Yes, I remember you, Luffy. We worked together on that case in London last year, the one with that corrupt Naval officer. Morgan, correct?"

"Oh, yeah!" Luffy laughed. Ace remembered it, too. His brother had almost died because of his own carelessness several times.

The raven-haired woman next turned to Ace. "You're Ace, right?" The freckled man nodded with a small smile, pleased she at least remembered his name. "Lovely to see you two again." Ace murmured a reply while Luffy grinned cheekily. "Allow me to introduce my chauffeur, Franky. He was not with me the last time we met."

Said man struck a pose, leaning one one leg and keeping the other one completely straight, wrists together over his head, which was tipped back. "Wow! Robin, thanks for the SUPER intro!" Robin smiled warmly at them and put a hand on Franky's bicep, signaling to him that posing time was over.

Further down the hall, a door opened, and out came a curly-haired, long-nosed man, loudly telling the other inhabitant of the room an outrageous retelling of one of his cases. Behind him was a short, light brown-haired man, who had stars in his eyes listening to the other man talk.

"Usopp, Chopper, is that you?" Luffy asked excitedly.

The men turned at the sound of their names. A wide grin broke out across both faces at the sight of their friend. "Luffy!" They cried in unison, coming down the hallway to embrace him.

"Guys, this is so cool!" Luffy grinned. He slung an arm over each of their shoulders and hugged them tight. "It's so great to see you again!"

"I'm glad to see you too!" Chopper said. He shrugged off Luffy's arm and trotted over to Ace and gave him a hug. "You too, Ace!"

Ace embraced the younger man. "Hey, Chopper. How've you been?"

"Great!" His eyes widened when he saw Robin and Franky. "Robin, Franky! You're here too?"

"You guys know each other?" Luffy asked.

"Yeah!" Usopp said. He put a hand to his chin and smirked devilishly. "They helped me solve the Case of the Wilted Rose two months ago! It was my greatest triumph!" He immediately launched into his story telling, editing out the parts where he actually needed help.

Franky snorted. "We helped you? Bro, Robin did all the work!"

Usopp waved aside his comment with his hand. "Sure, she was there, but I solved it!"

Ace watched with a sweatdrop as the two men argued about who was the real hero. He sighed and grabbed Luffy's arm. "Let's head down to dinner," he suggested.

Luffy's eyes sparkled at the prospect of a meal. "That's right! I'm starving!" He shook off his brother's hand and charged down the hallway, grabbing Usopp on the way.

Franky shook his head and offered his arm to Robin, who accepted it and walked down the stairs to the foyer. Ace shook his head and walked beside Chopper, the latter chatting about various places he and Usopp had visited.

They met up with everyone else in the sitting room downstairs. Franky was busy serving drinks while the others made small talk by the large fireplace. The large man moved about, giving each guest a glass of champagne.

Robin took a sip of hers and hummed. "I wonder where the others are?" She asked suddenly.

"Eh? What others?" Luffy questioned the older woman.

Usopp looked thoughtful. "That's right! It's suddenly clear to me now!" He grinned. "Think about it: what do the three of us have in common?"

A feeling of understanding filled Ace. "You're three of the world's greatest detectives," he answered.

Usopp nodded. "Exactly! There are five of us: 'Straw Hat" Luffy, me: 'Sogeking' Usopp, 'Demon Child' Robin, 'Outlaw Hunter' Roronoa Zoro, and-"

"'Blackleg' Sanji from Baratie," a new voice said from the doorway. Everyone turned to see a blonde man standing in an expensive suit, a beautiful orange-haired woman on his arm. Half of his face was covered by his bangs, leaving only one eye and one swirled eyebrow visible. The woman was wearing a floor-length scarlet dress that was began at her collar bone, with a thin hole cut out just above her abundant chest.

"Where'd he come from?" Ace muttered to no one in particular.

Sanji walked into the room with an air that boasted confidence. His female companion remained at the threshold. "The beautiful dame in the doorway is Miss Nami, my secretary and financial advisor. If any of you bastards so much as looks at her funny, I will gut you like a fish." He solemnly took out a cigarette and lit it without asking for permission.

"You haven't changed at all, Sanji-san," Robin said with a smile.

At once, Sanji's whole demeanor changed. His eye turned into a heart and he began dancing around like a noodle to where she stood. "Robin-chwaaaaaaan you look as beautiful as ever!"

Ace frowned at the sudden change of attitude. "Ladies' man, huh?" He muttered. He knew his brother had met the blonde once, but he couldn't remember when to save his life.

At once, his attitude changed again and the smokey-blue irises of the man were focused on him. "What was that?" He asked, pointing his cigarette at him. "I don't think you are in any position to judge people, Portgas D. Ace, better known as 'Fire-Fist'. You were famous in the underground boxing ring until about two years ago were you were accused of first-degree murder. If it wasn't for your grandfather's position in the police department, you probably would have faced life in prison."

Ace's eyes widened, then narrowed again at the blonde. Luffy spoke up in his place. "How did you know about that?" He asked.

Sanji shrugged. "Your family did a great job of covering it up, but there isn't a case I can't solve."

"Still, bro, he wasn't indicted with it, so why don't you drop it like everyone else?" Franky asked, crossing his large arms over his chest.

Sanji's eyes flicked over to Franky. "Kind of like the way you dropped your past with the chop shop business in Water 7?"

Franky flinched but didn't drop his gaze. Sanji continued. "You used to take cars and completely rebuild them so they'd be untraceable by the police. Now, you still own many of the car manufacturers, but your business is supposedly clean. Am I getting this right, Nami-swan?" He asked the woman at the door.

"Right, Sanji-kun," Nami said, shooting Franky an apologetic smile.

"I apologize about my brashness, I never had time to go to finishing school. My school was the streets and my teacher was the cold barrel of a gun. I work for fifty dollars a day in expenses when I can get 'em, and I owe Miss Nami over there about three years' salary, ain't that right?" He turned to Nami for approval.

Nami shrugged. "I don't care about the money, Sanji-kun-"

"Nami-swan is so forgiving!"

"-just as long as you pay it back at three hundred percent interest," she finished with a sinister smile.

"Anyway," Sanji said, once again serious, "why don't one of you crappy guys get Miss Nami some champagne. I'm gonna walk down the hall and try to find the can. I talk so much I forget to use it." With that, he walked out the door, passing Nami on the way.

Nami offered the group an apologetic smile. "I'm so sorry about Sanji. He is such a pain sometimes. It's really hard to keep clients with him acting like this all the time." She sighed and sat at the small couch, raising a hand to her forehead.

"Not a problem," Franky said, waving her comment away. "I'm used to the hostility."

"Are you really a mechanic?" Chopper asked. "That's so cool!"

"Eh, thanks, bro!" Franky struck his pose. "I am pretty SUPER, if I may say so myself."

Rayleigh came to the door of the sitting room. "Detective Roronoa Zoro and company." He announced.

Through the door, a green-haired man walked in, a blue-haired woman in a white dress and glasses holding on to his arm. The man's left eye was closed with a scar over it. Suddenly, the woman tripped over nothing, sending her and Roronoa to the ground.

The entire group sweatdropped. Roronoa got to his feet and pulled the woman up with him. Both were blushing furiously, and the woman was stammering out an apology.

Roronoa grumbled something under his breath before turning to the other inhabitants of the room. "Hey," he said simply. "I'm Zoro. This is Tashigi. Got any booze?"

"Zoro!" Tashigi exclaimed, appalled. "Be a bit less blunt!"

"Woman," he muttered irritably, "be a bit less bossy."

Suddenly, Zoro was knocked to the ground by a flying kick. He was held there by the polished black shoe of Sanji, returned from his trip to the bathroom.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, you piece of shit?" The blonde spat vehemently. "Treat a lady with more respect!"

Zoro grabbed Sanji's ankle and pulled him to the floor, pinning him there. "Stupid ero-detective. Go bother someone else."

"What was that, marimo?"

"You heard me, dartboard brow!"

The two proceeded to tussle on the ground. No one made a move to stop them.

"Looks like we're all here," Robin said with a cryptic smile. "That just leaves the question as to where our host is."

"Hey, be quiet!" Ace said suddenly. "Do you hear that?"

The room went silent. Then, everyone heard it: a low, moaning sound echoing through the house.

"What is it?" Franky asked.

"It means dinner," Rayleigh answered. "We don't have a gong. If you would all follow me, please."

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><p><strong>Woosh! That took longer than I expected! I'm not entirely satisfied with it, but I don't want it to match the movie word for word. (The movie is way funnier.) Anywho, what do you think? Not a lot of mystery in these first few chapters, but next time, Roger will explain why they're all at the house. Did anyone see the movie?<strong>

**You know what to do! Favorite! Follow! And, most importantly, REVIEW!**

**~Batsy**


	3. Chapter Three

**Thanks to everyone who has favorited, followed, and reviewed! I apologize for the wait, school has started back up again X(.**

**Guest: Fozzie Bear: Hey, thanks! Here it is!**

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><p>Chapter Three<p>

Rayleigh led the guests into the dining room, where everyone took their places, marked by cards, at a long, oval-shaped table. The places were already set. Everyone had wine and water, all that was missing was the food. He left them to get situated and went into the kitchen.

Usopp stood up and raised his glass of wine. "Before we get too far into dinner tonight, I propose a toast to our host, Mister Gol D. Roger." There were mixed reactions to this statement: Chopper and Luffy paid rapt attention to his words, while everyone else was a mixture of annoyance or neutrality. "He is a very unique character. Point one: he has gathered the world's five greatest, and youngest, detectives for dinner, with the promise of murder that hasn't been committed. Point two: he has set deadly traps for us. Not to kill us, he could have done that at any given time, but to merely wet our appetites for what is to come. Point three: there are five detectives here. Why not just one? Because he intends to take us all on. So, before this hellish weekend begins, let's raise our glasses to either a charming and beguiling man, or a insidious, fiendish lunatic." The rest of the table stood up to join him in his toast.

"Hold on just a moment, Usopp-san," Robin interrupted. "Point four: the wine is poisoned."

The other people at the table began panicking, all quickly checking their wine glasses and setting them down.

"Wow! How did you know, Robin?" Franky asked, peering into his own crimson liquid.

"It's a tasteless, odorless poison that kills instantly," she explained. "Observe." She poured some of the drink on her napkin. The cloth began smoking upon contact with it. When she held the napkin up, a hole had burned straight through the fabric.

"You saved our lives, Robin," Nami said gratefully, sitting down again.

"Not quite, Nami-swan," Sanji raised his glass again. "Bon appetite, mon cherie." He tipped the glass back and swallowed all the liquid in one drink. He smiled victoriously at the other people in the room when he didn't keel over and die. "See, because Robin-chwan would be the only one to detect such a thing, her glass was the only one that was poisoned. Point five: Gol is both beguiling and fiendish."

The guests relaxed back into their chairs. "Well done, Mr. Sanji," Tashigi complimented. Immediately, his one visible eye turned into a heart and his limbs gained the consistency of noodles. "Sounds like we're going to have to be on our guards through every course of the meal."

"That or he was just ridiculously lucky," Zoro muttered from beside her. Sanji gave him the finger. "Anyway, aren't you all forgetting something? This makes the butler look pretty suspicious, seeing as he was the one who poured the wine."

"Except for the fact he's blind, moss ball," Sanji said, rolling his eyes. "How would he know which glass belongs to Robin-chwan?"

"That's actually pretty simple. Blind people have an acute sense of smell." Zoro took a nonchalant sip of wine. "Since most of us have desk jobs in the city, and Mr. Franky is a mechanic, it wouldn't be hard to sniff out the girl who doubles her time as a florist."

"Kind of tacky, aren't 'cha?" Ace cocked an eyebrow.

"Tacky world we live in, Mr. Portgas. Isn't that right, Tashigi?"

Said woman sighed. "Right, Zoro."

A door leading out of the dining room opened. Out of the hallway behind the door walked Rayleigh, taking slow, careful steps to ensure he didn't fall. In his hands was a large, porcelain serving bowl, presumably the appetizer. "Apologies for the wait, ladies and gentlemen. I seem to be having communication troubles with the cook."

"By the way, Rayleigh," Ace spoke up. "Who was it that poured the wine?"

"Mr. Gol did, sir. He left it on a tray in the fridge. I was told to give Miss Nico the glass with the sticky stem."

"And you didn't question him?" Usopp asked.

"Frankly, I was lucky to find the fridge, sir." Rayleigh walked to stand beside Luffy, who was at the right of the chair at the head of the table.

"Alright, food!" Luffy grabbed his cloth napkin and stuffed it down the collar of his shirt. He took a random spoon from the side of his soup bowl. "I'm starving!"

Rayleigh uncovered the dish and produced an elegant serving spoon. He dipped the ladle into the bowl and poured the contents into Luffy's bowl.

Except the spoon was empty. Luffy threw a confused look to his older brother before tugging on the butler's sleeve.

"Hey, old man, where's the soup?" He asked with a pout.

"It is in your dish, sir," Rayleigh answered simply, placing the ladle back in the serving bowl and cocking his head in confusion.

"There isn't anything in there. Here, taste for yourself." Luffy gave him the spoon. Rayleigh dipped the spoon into the empty bowl and lifted it to his lips.

The butler scowled upon not tasting anything on the spoon. "I see. If you would please excuse me." He put the bowl under one arm and walked crossly back through the door he had come through.

"Death by starvation, maybe that's his game!" Chopper looked around the room. "What do you think, Zoro?"

Zoro crossed his arms and sat back. "Dunno, why don't you ask the moose head? He's been watching us ever since we came in."

All heads turned to a mounted moose head on the wall. Sure enough, the glass eyes of the moose were gone, and two human eyes were watching the guests in the dining room below. As soon as the person watching them realized they had been spotted, the glass eyes were replaced into their proper places.

~...~

"Ten guests for dinner, and I'm serving them hot nothing!" Rayleigh exploded once back in the kitchen. He angrily sorted through the boxes on the island by touch alone. "You just can't get good help these days," he continued.

Off to the side, Shakky watched his outburst with interest. He seemed livid. She watched as he angrily mouthed words to the air. _Wonder who pissed in his post toasties_, she thought, taking a drag of her fifth cigarette.

Rayleigh turned to where he presumed his cook was. "You're fired! Fired, I tell you!" He stomped to the servant's door and wrenched it open, gesturing to the outside world. Once he determined she had passed through the door, he yelled, "And stay out!" With that, he slammed the door. Unbeknownst to him, Shakky remained within the kitchen, observing his continuing tirade with amusement.

~...~

"Hold on just a second," Sanji looked around the room. "The seating is all wrong. I'm seated next to Nami-swan."

"What's wrong with that?" Ace asked. "Isn't she your date?"

"Haaaaii~! But as much as I would love to sit next to my beloved Nami, in a proper dinner party I would be sitting over there, next to Chopper." He nodded at the boy, who was directly across the table from the orange-head. "Usopp, would you mind switching places with me?"

"Huh? Okay, sure." Both men stood up, just as two swords fell off their mounts on the walls. The swords landed point-down in the chairs the men had been occupying just seconds before.

Usopp looked over his shoulder, his skin having turned a surprisingly pale shade. Sanji, however, looked unimpressed as he took out another cigarette and lit it.

"Just as I thought," he grumbled. "Another test. We were saved by the fact that I am enormously well-bred."

Luffy's eyes were as big as dinner plates. "Woah, Sanji you're so cool! Good thing that wasn't me, I would be dead by now!" He laughed heartily.

"That's not something to laugh about," the group, sans Robin, muttered in unison.

Without warning, all of the lights in the dining room went out, leaving the guests in complete darkness.

"AAAAHHH!" Usopp screamed. "SOMETHING IS TOUCHING ME!"

"Sorry, Usopp-san," Tashigi said. "I fell off my chair. I thought I fell on Zoro."

"Stupid woman," Zoro muttered.

The sound of a boot hitting a face came to everyone's ears. "Bastard, treat the lady with more respect!"

"OWWW SANJI THAT WAS MY NOSE!" Luffy yelled from the floor.

"Oops, sorry," the blonde grumbled, not sounding sorry in the least.

The room was silent for a moment. In the silence a new voice spoke up.

"Good evening, ladies and gents. I'm your host, Gol D. Roger," a deep, masculine voice said. Suddenly, bright flashing lights lit up the room, a multitude of colors coming seemingly from nowhere. The lights stopped flashing after a couple seconds, replaced by the normal lights of the room.

Everyone's attention was drawn to the head of the table, where a man now occupied the previously empty chair there. He was weathered looking, with tan skin, black, unruly hair, and an elegantly curled mustache. Across his cheekbones and jaw were little flecks of stubble. His perfect white teeth were revealed in a cheeky grin, and the look in his eyes could certainly be described as maniacal. He wore a white shirt, black pants, and a scarlet overcoat with gold decorations.

_He looks different than what I expected_, Ace thought, observing the man who was undoubtedly their host for the weekend.

"So cool!" Luffy exclaimed, eyes turning into stars, the effect somewhat lessened by the blood dripping from his nose.

"A bit theatrical, Mr. Monkey," Roger chuckled, "but I do so love my illusions."

"I thought Gol was an older man, say sixty or sixty-one?" Franky asked with a frown.

Roger looked smug. "Sixty-seven, to be exact. How do I look so good, you ask? Easy: a completely meat diet, twelve hours of sleep, and lots and lots of makeup." He grinned again. "I trust you all have been made comfortable?"

"'Comfortable'?" Usopp all but screamed. "You call near-decapitation and poisoned wine 'comfortable'?"

"No, I call it inspiration." Roger sat back in his chair. He propped his elbows up on the arms and intertwined his fingers over his chest.

"You have yet to explain the mechanical and culinary attempts on our lives," Robin stated from across the table.

"Merely games, Miss Nico. Games to test you, so to say."

"Tests? You mean to say this whole evening is just a way for you to get entertainment out of watching us nearly get killed?"

"Of course" The host shrugged. "How else will a lonely old man get his kicks?"

Nine out of ten guests sweatdropped and sighed.

"Well," Luffy said, his voice altered by his bruised nose, "since we've been here a while, and there isn't any food...yeah, I'm just gonna go." He stood up with the help of Ace.

"We're gonna go, too," Usopp said, he and Chopper standing as well.

At once, Roger's smile disappeared and was replaced by a harsh scowl. "No one is leaving this house!" He punched a button on the arm of his chair angrily. Much to everyone's shock, bars quickly slid down over the windows of the dining room. Throughout the rest of the house, they could hear the rest of the mansion's windows being closed off, even the doors being locked.

Ace turned to the older man with a glare. "What the hell are you playing at?" He growled.

"I'd be delighted to tell you, Mr. Portgas." Roger relaxed in the chair again. "You see, I intend to prove beyond the shadow of a doubt, that the world's greatest criminologist sits right here, at this very table." The guests glanced around at each other. "No! Don't look at each other!" He pushed himself to his feet. "Look at me! I'm the greatest; I'm number one!"

"To me, you look like number two," Franky interjected. "Y'know what I mean?"

Awkward silence came over the table. "What does he mean, Robin-san?" Tashigi asked.

"I'll tell you later. It's not proper table discussion," the raven-haired woman answered, shooting Franky a pointed look.

Roger began walking around the table, pausing behind Zoro. "You see, folks, in all of your adventures, none of you have ever had an unsolved murder. In fact, you're quite famous for it." He moved on to Usopp now. "But what would the world say if the five greatest detectives were trapped in the summer home of a wealthy businessman, locked from the outside world, only to discover a dead body, stabbed twelve times in the back; _and_ not one of you can solve the crime?"

"You mean murder." Nami pitched in. It wasn't a question.

Roger slammed his hand down on the table beside of Chopper, startling the poor man. "Yes, Miss Nami, murder! On the stroke of midnight, someone in this house will be murdered."

Sanji let out a puff of smoke as the older man came up behind his chair. "You left out one small detail, Mr. Gol: Who is the victim?"

"Mr. Sanji, the victim is right here, at this very table..." The guests cast anxious glances around the room. "...as is the murderer."

"You know who's gonna get it?" Zoro questioned.

"Intimately," Roger replied, glancing at the green-haired man as he came up behind Luffy.

"And how it will be committed?" Robin joined in.

"Definitely." He was back at his own chair now.

"And what time the murder will take place?" Usopp added.

Roger sat down and leaned casually to the side. "Precisely."

Luffy cocked his head and stared at the deranged host. "But wouldn't that make you the murderer, old man?"

Ace glanced at his brother, surprised he could come to the same conclusion so quickly. Of course, Luffy always tended to surprise people when it came to solving cases.

Roger shot him a feral grin. "Should I make this more interesting then, Mr. Monkey?" From the pocket of his overcoat, he produced two thick stacks of money. "One million dollars to the one who solves the crime. Wagered against your reputations, one million dollars in tax-free cash, not to mention the film rights and book sales." He glanced at the grandfather clock resting against the wall. "It's eleven o'clock, amigos. One hour until death strikes someone in this room. See you at midnight!"

"Just a minute, Gol!" Sanji shouted, rising to his feet.

The lights went out again in the room, but only for a moment this time. When they came back on, Roger was no longer at the head of the table.

"What the-?" Tashigi stuttered. "He's gone!"

Ace's head turned to the foot of the table, where Roger now sat. On his face was a triumphant grin from having fooled the other guests.

"No he's not," the freckled man said calmly, pointing at their host. "He's right there; he just moved."

"Actually, Mr. Portgas," Roger stated, resting his chin over his fingers, "I'm still down there. A little trick with mirrors, you see. I haven't moved at all."

Ace drew the revolver he kept underneath his jacket and pointed it at the man. "That so? Willing to risk seven years' bad luck?"

The host narrowed his eyes, jovial mood lost again. "Try it, Mr. Portgas."

"Your funeral, mustachio." Ace pulled back the hammer and prepared to fire.

"Wait!" Roger cried out. "Sometimes...it doesn't work..."

Ace smirked and put the gun back in its place.

"You win this round, Mr. Portgas. My turn comes at midnight. Toodaloo." Roger pushed another button on the arm of his chair. He began to rocket backwards, through the open doors of the dining room and into the hall. The doors slammed shut as soon as he passed through them.

Heavy silence followed his departure. Finally, Nami turned to the group and said, "I hope he knows how to stop that thing."

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><p><strong>This...actually didn't take me that long to write. Which is why it might sound bad. I don't know why I put it off for so long. Probably because I'm a lazy good-for-nothing teenager. :-**

**Annnnnyway, sorry for all of the dialogue. The movie is mostly back-and-forth banter, so I'm trying to adapt it as best as I can. **

**What do you think about the story so far? We finally are introduced to Roger, the mastermind behind this whole shenanigan. Wonder what's gonna happen next? ;)**

**You know the drill: FAVORITE! FOLLOW! REVIEW!**

**XOXO**

**Batman**


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